Let’s talk about love!

If I want to start my blogging journey again why not start with love! everyone longs for love and acceptance in some way, but over the years, we have overtly simplified the ways of love. What I mean to say is love has lost its meaning we often confuse attachment or fear of losing someone as love, but when we read stories and poetry of authors we realize that what we were perceiving all along was not love.

Then what is love?

I have been looking for love for as far as I can remember, I remember when I was first in love it was this senior I had a fight on the first day of school and I remember how I used to not miss any chance to see him even though it was just in school. The warm fuzzy feeling that can cloud your mind and your center of the universe becomes that one person.

Over the years I realize that love starts from within. Back then, I was so hard on myself to become this perfect boy that everyone liked and I did not let my emotions or wishes be fulfilled. I was so engrossed in finding love that I forgot who I was. After years of abuse to myself and neglecting my emotions I finally realized that love starts from you! If you don’t love yourself how would you expect someone else to love you. Loving yourself is a journey for me it has been so difficult to unlearn years of bad habits and please people just so they like me.

Love yourself first!

I know it sounds like a cliche, one of those cliches that we hear in the movies, a cliche that give us the feeling damn it! I know this move it along! I do not need to know the obvious. but this one really stung when I was dealing with love myself one day when someone asked what if and I realized that I let my emotions get so strong that I forget myself in the process. In doing this for years I lost my identity. One day one of my dear friends asked me the obvious question What do you want? And I was completely blank. that got me thinking about what I want? and it even led to a bigger question who am I?

But believe me, I have started this journey of self-exploration and this blog is the first step. I feel better and I also have felt a load in my chest. I have started this journey to commit to a process where I do not have to hide my emotions no matter how dark are they and then in the process may be I will find my true self.

Love begins with you! only if the glass is full it can quench your thirst. This is the same thing let us accept ourselves and let us fill our hearts with love. Remember what Oprah Winfrey says in one of her interviews that your cup runneth over! once you are filled with love you will be able to give back to the people around you.

YOU MATTER!

YOU ARE LOVE!

Silent SD

Peace.

The Evening!

The only way you could find peace is from within at least that’s what they say. It is inside you, well I don’t think its entirely true. For me it is the time of evening, When you see the sun sets and the clouds fade away and there is a faint light it is not orange, not yellow or red it is amalgamated with a hint of blue. This doesn’t stay for long but it is something to look for and the best part is it is different every day, the colors are the same but the hues change some saturate and some fade. Somehow I correlate, I believe it is the exact situation of my mind. I try to relate every color with my emotions, some are saturated and strong and some are faded but there, It is surreal! As if I am matching and segregating my thoughts this really helps and I feel good. there is no time frame I just wait till the last of the lights fade and last of my emotions is sorted and separated. There is a skylark fluttering through these lights just like a restless thought, I can’t calm it down, it doesn’t want to. So, I wait until the stars appear sometimes clearly some times faded but they appear precisely. They are like tiny sparkles of hope from everywhere, some from my emotions, some from people and some are just there wanting to be reached. The skylark is calm now somewhere, there is no flutter.

You are a dream!

It was a pleasant winter evening in a bustling town of Mumbai, While people were enjoying their humdrum life amidst the sounds of rickshaws and horns Shalmali and Rishabh sat in a not so busy but a lovely cafe for tea, It was a cozy cafe with bamboo chairs and bamboo mats on the floor to sit on, aroma of tea an coffee was in the air there was a rack of books in the other corner of the cafe. After ordering peach iced tea for herself and a ginger tea for Rishabh, Shalamali and Rishabh sat at the corner table looking at each other. Rishabh winked at Shalmali, Shalmai blushed and she was more aware of the surroundings now, Rishabh was staring at her and Shalmali broke the silence “So it’s about time ha lover boy!” She chuckled “I had one of the best time of my life,” She said making a hand gesture. Rishabh reached out and pressed her hand gently something was bothering him but he was happy to see the sparkle in Shalmali’s eyes. “Yeah, time to go ha!” he said with a sigh he looked down at his tea stirred it twice and spoke again “How are you? baba!” Shalmali was a little surprised by the question but she said “I had the best time of my life baba! What do you expect!” she broadened her eyes and said, “I am so happy right now”. Rishabh looked at her with curiosity and asked her again “What am I to you?” Shalmali took a long sip from her iced tea and said “You, baba are a dream! a real dream!”.

Shalmali met Rishabh in Bangalore through a dating app when she went for her project work they exchanged numbers and after quite long conversations over phone calls, they decided to meet up. Rishabh was an adventurous and fun loving free spirit from Bangalore who had just started to live his life as it was. In spite of being raised by difficulties and hindrances, Rishabh was extremely compassionate and kind.  Rishabh’s kindness often got him into dilemma and troubles a lot of times. Lately he had been off the track emotionally which motivated him to travel far away from all the conundrums that had messed up his mind. He needed a break!

Shalmali was rather a matured girl with her own childish nature. She was from Mumbai  being raised by a stumbling past she had a different aproach towards life. Filled with her own kind of fire Shalmali was evidently passionate towards life. She had her own view of living which amazed people, at times she was often misunderstood. She had so much love inside her heart but she was afraid no onw would understand. Rishabh’s boyish charm lured her and she kind of grew liking towards her.  After meeting Rishabh she asked him upfront if he was available for a relationship but at that time Rishabh had just got out of a relationship and he needed a little peace from complications. He said no to Shalmali which had hurt her back then because she had really connected with this guy. Shalmali had to move on.

Since the time they have been talking to each other on and off over the phone. Shalmali came back to Mumbai after four months in Bangalore. Whenever they would spare time they would talk to each other about life, current events, their passions and open up about the problems they had. They felt an ease talking to each other untill recently when they started talking frequently and they decided to go on a 3 day trip to Goa. Rishabh was excited about the idea and Shalamali was thrilled It had been more than a year since they had met last time. There were faded memories but they were rekindling it now. Both of them decide to meet at a common place in Goa, Shalmali would come from Mumbai and Rishabh from Bangalore. They had the most intimate time while they were on this trip compliments, flirts and stares they couldn’t get hands of each other. It was all Shalmali had dreamed of when she was sixteen. No one had treated her the way Rishabh did. This trip was more of a bonding for them. They knew more about each other’s roots and they melted into each other. Like two kindled souls revolving around each other and connecting between sparks. It was the last day of the trip and Rishabh was leaving in about two hours when they were having this conversation.

She pressed his hands and continued “You know how dreams are! They are beautiful, They are just everything perfect and all that you ever want. Just like a beautiful memory that cannot be caged” She paused for a while and closed her eyes “Yes, You are a dream! you are perfect you are everything I ever want but I do nont want to bind you, I do not want to put barriers over you”

Rishabh was taken aback it was rather overwhelming for him nobody had ever expressed themselves this beautifuly to him. He stared at Shalamali and asked her with concern “Shalmali! am I hurting you in any…”. “Shhhhhh! don’t speak a word, Let me soak in this feeling a little longer” She cut her abruptly. After a while she broke her silence “Yes, It hurts but what we have here is amazing, It resonates and I am afraid it won’t feel the same if we put complications of expectations and wishes over it. Rishabh! we complain so much about how we don’t have love in our lives but what we had in past few days was more love than I will ever need. See love comes in our live in different forms and this love that we have is the best kind. The love you gave me in past few days is overwhelming you have made me feel so special no one has ever made me feel that and it shows how much you care about me but I know the moment I would force my emotions on you it will change. Believe me Baba! I want you in my life forever and I know you are a free bird. I know that you want things in life which are totally different from what I want so let’s just soak in the warmth that we had for few days. The memories that we created in past few days are priceless. They are intoxicationg and I am still hung over them”

They did not speak for a while Rishabh was about to board the train when Shalmali hugged him and she whispered

“You are a dream,

A real dream!…”

Short Story – (Sharvari – Part:2)

Sharvari

(An unsuitable journey towards LOVE!)

Within the rumble of thoughts and stampede of emotions Sharvari realised she was in the ladies room for too long and that she had to be quick in deciding what to do. She could either tolerate smirks and glances from Shyam like darts poking at an apple and completely get crumbled, or she could stay intact and leave without giving an explanation like she did when things went wrong with Prabhat and mull over it for days locked in her room.But this time she decided to stay and face the smirks and crumble. She was sure this time and she did not want to feel bad about herself anymore like she did earlier by completely de-motivating herself and having her own pity party.

Sharvari had now become a private person, She was worried too much about what people would say and react. So rather facing them she went away in her own head space in her own little world where she can do what she wants and nobody would judge her but herself. She was not always like this. Earlier Sharvari always had a sunny smile on her face attracting people around her. She was extremely empathetic towards people she met. yes she was very social and had many friends but now Sharvari had few friends and she feared they would leave her if she started telling her everything. People around her never understood her choices but her ethereal empathy was now limited. Her head space was the only space her demons came out freely. After all who would understand a girl who had dated more boys than every other girl, At least that was what she thought about herself.

She came out of the ladies room and sat opposite to Vishal who was about to finish his glass of wine waiting for her. Sharvari looked around but Shyam was nowhere to be seen. This pinched her heart a little and also gave her relief at the same time. After a lovely time and an interesting conversation over desert where she was entirely thinking about Shyam, Sharvari was part of the conversation but really she was finding answers to jumble of questions. After a while Vishal booked a cab and the were standing outside the hotel on the pavement waiting for the cab to arrive. The cab arrived after ten minutes after Vishal was talking about how he ended up in having pet dog and how much he loved it. They sat in the cab, the rumble of thoughts had slowed down and eventually muffled by the conversations that they were having. Just when she was about to get out of the cab Vishal held her hand, She was startled by this gesture of Vishal. Vishal looked into her eyes and said “I know!”.

Sharvari was completely abashed by Vishal’s words. She kept staring at Vishal blankly as if someone had just punched her heart. Vishal kept staring back at her but silence was all she could keep up. She got out of the cab and waved Vishal goodbye she was sure she was not going to see him again. Once again the waves of past had ruined her good date with Vishal. She ran upstairs and locked herself in the room. the was a muffled cry inside her but couldn’t come out. Her heart was crying but her eyes were dry.

All Sharvari was able to think about were Vishal’s words ‘I know!’ what does he know?, Did Shyam tell him everything?, what does he know?, Does he think that I am emotional and needy?, Is he judging me?, A series of questions popped in her head. What was Shyam doing here?, Was he back? or Just visiting ?, Why didn’t he call even after coming back?. After a year she had met this amazing guy Vishal working in the same company. and he was the guy who made her feel better in all ways and respected her individuality. Just because he was Shyam’s Friend she had to let him go! It was either the wine or the waves of emotions that lulled her to sleep.

When She woke up the next day she had a couple of messages from Vishal wishing her good morning, but she was to adamant to reply. Vishal kept calling her and messaging her for an entire week but she was not ready to face! but whom Vishal or her past? She just wanted to stay away for a while. Vishal wanted to see her one last time but Sharvari was firm. In her head space she was still battling with questions and emotions.

One busy afternoon just before Lunch she got a call from front desk asking her to come down as someone was here to see her. Who could that be?, was it her mom but she was sure she was not in town and she had spoken to her and her dad in the morning itself. None of he relatives stayed here in the city the who could it be? She went to the front desk hurriedly and found out a familiar figure waiting for her, Yes it was Vishal! She did not want to talk to him but it was her office she had to take this outside. She took Vishal outside her office on the pavement. Looking into Sharvari’s eyes Vishal spoke “You don’t owe anyone an explanation, you are who you are and I like you for who you are” and lastly he said “Sharvari I am here to stay!” Sharvari melted in Vishal’s arms it was the home she was waiting for.

Have we Stereotyped LOVE?

 

What is love I had it in mind…

Is it “The Feeling”, One of a kind?

Is it the kind we read in old books?

Or like the present that depends on the looks?

Is it silent and powerful like a prayers?

Or filled with chaos rumble and tremors?

Does it take you away and leave you reminiscing?

Does it complete you giving you a new meaning?

Do you need to seek it? Or does it find you?

Does it come only once? or comes quite a few?

What is Love I had it in mind…

Show me the path and be a little kind!

What is Love truly these days? What comes to our mind at first when we hear LOVE?

Is it like in the romantic movies, the first kiss and the ecstasy, the longing and the meetings with adrenaline rush?

Yes I am talking about the LOVE between two individuals here!

Does love mean a lot of PDA and less of conversations, A lot of social media and a less of personal life ?

Does being in love means being complete and without love a person is just incomplete?

A lot of individuals are struggling with these answers, Nowadays people struggle finding love. We all are in a race of finding that love of our life.

A lot of experiences, a lot of compromises and still single!!! Yes!, This is frustrating.

I look at people blindly going on dates and meeting people just to find that love, in a tiny hope that one day they will find that Knight in Shining Armour who will put them out of their misery, The hope that one day an angel will come into their lives and every sorrow will vanish!

Is love a status symbol?

After all these experiences and questions I couldn’t help but wonder HAVE WE STEREOTYPED LOVE??